Born to NOT be perfect!!!!!!
Aug 20, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmrmbQOG64Y

good afternoon everybody and welcome
back to my channel today is Tuesday it's
our Friday here at this house excitingly
oli has the next two days off after
today so that's always a lovely thing I
first and foremost want to thank
everybody for coming out to my life last
night or yesterday it was so awesome you
guys are amazing every one of you that
had stopped in and said hello and shared
some of your stories and your opinions
everything is so accepted and loved by
everybody because that's the beauty of
life you know is everybody can share
their great opinions however sometimes
we have to be a little bit cautious
about hurting people's feelings or you
know stepping on toes of other people
because definitely I don't want that to
be something that happens on my channel
you know I can't control what happens to
other people on other people's channels
I don't run other people's channels I
only run my channel and I can only
control my channel
so with that I can't do anything about
what happens elsewhere but I definitely
can control what happens here on my
channel and that's where I try and will
continue to promote love and acceptance
and honoring each and every individual
that's here on my channel as individuals
so you know we all have like I said our
own thoughts our feelings our opinions
some may agree with some of them some
may not agree with them and that's okay
that that's all part of the circle of
life
but being able to be respectful during
that time is always an awesome trait to
continuously always put out there
because none of us are perfect and we
all find ourselves at times in our life
may be saying something we shouldn't
have you know putting your foot in your
mouth before you say something before
you really think about it and you know
once you put words out you can't take
them back and that's been a big lesson
that I've learned over the last couple
of my
is what you say can can really hurt but
it can also just really get out there
and you can't take it back and it takes
a lot to prove yourself differently and
that's kind of where I'm at right now is
you know you have to take the punishment
that comes along with the action and
unfortunately right now that's just kind
of where I'm at is trying to prove too
many people that what I was showing at
one time with one individual video that
I put out that I chose to take back down
immediately after I put it up was not a
fair video it wasn't and words can cut
like a knife and so with that I just
really want to continue to put out there
that we have to be cautious about the
words that we use towards each other
because you might be angry today but
tomorrow you can't take back what you
said yesterday and what you said
yesterday could very much affect
somebody's life you know and I'm
preaching to myself like I'm you know
I'm taking huh oh yeah oh cool
okay so what I'm saying to you guys I'm
saying right back to myself because I
have been really talking to myself about
these things and you know and I can't
teach my children these things if I'm
not showing good character in the same
things that I'm preaching to to other
people so anyways I just again wanted to
thank everybody for coming and stopping
by and saying hello I got to meet a few
new faces which was great I love that
and I also got to talk to some of my
subscribers that I haven't seen for
quite a while so that was really nice
and what else
[Music]
yesterday ended up being a pretty long
day
I I don't know I'm praying to God that
it's not what I think it's turning into
but I have a sore that's on my stomach
and you know I'm big we all know it we
can look at me and see I'm large and I
take very good care of my skin I do very
good scary skin routine when I'm
showering and you know and when my
drying processes I use a blow dryer to
make sure my skin is completely dry you
don't want Chaffey and you don't want
you know skin to to open up because then
you came very easily getting infection
but with the summer heat here you are
tending to of course sweat more and I
again I'm taking all the steps to try
and keep my skin dry I'm using
cornstarch in between throughout the day
just putting some in my little you know
cracks and rolls you know to keep those
areas from Guinea moisture but you know
and then in the evening I shower I clean
I use antibacterial soap you know I've
done everything I can do I also have
medicine I don't think I have it over
here or I would show you but it's just
nice statin cream and I have another
cream so I have two creams that I put on
my skin when it starts to kind of want
to act up a little bit and I've been
faithfully putting that stuff on every
single day and this one sore that it's
where my skin chafed some it's not
wanting to close up and it's getting
worse because now it's starting to have
a little bit of um resin like stuff
coming out of it so I'm trying to like
just in case anybody's eating I don't
want to make it too so I'll do bad so
I've been caring for it and keeping an
extra clean with antibiotic cream I'm
gonna start taking an antibiotic today
because I think it's getting infected
and I are infecting if infected and I
think unfortunately it might be turning
into cellulitis
I already suffer with cellulitis so it's
a it's a very high possibility that
that's what it's turning into because
this morning when I woke up I was
getting kind of achy and not feeling
good you get the headache you get the
you know the chills and that kind of
cellulitis the the kind of the symptoms
of cellulitis is it kind of makes you
feel like you've got the flu but also
where the general area of the infection
feels like it's just acid sitting on
your skin and that's exactly what it
feels like right now but my doctor
doesn't have an opening so I already
have antibiotic from my last time that I
had cellulitis so I called and asked
should I just start taking this
immediately and I was advised yes to
take it immediately along with
continuing to keep that area clean put
my creams on if it continues to get
worse or starting to get you know to
where it's really making me ill than I
need to go into the ER because they
can't get me in any sooner than they
already have
me on schedule I could go to Urgent Care
but they're gonna do the same thing that
ye doctor pretty much is telling me what
just take my antibiotics cuz I had a
little bit left over because I didn't
finish it which was dumb on my behalf
but that cellulitis was four months ago
so it cleared itself up so I mean I'm
I'm okay that I didn't finish it I
should have but I didn't but I had a
little left over so I'm using it now so
anyway so I've been really struggling
with that and that's hence why I haven't
put a workout video out because it hurts
to move my torso right now because of
the sore on my stomach I sent Ollie a
picture of it today and he was just like
oh my god he's like I am so sorry that
it's that bad he's like I am so sorry
and I'm like it's not your fault
you know it's just my skin is very from
losing weight gaining weight losing
weight my skin has started to Sag some
and so because of those
anyways because of losing weight gaining
weight losing weight
my skin is tending to start to Sag more
and because of that my top area of my
torso is flapping over and so now it's
more there's that higher chance of
chafing in my stomach area and so
there's nothing we can do about it it's
part of being big you know I I'm not the
only one that I'm sure has chain issues
it's just that I have cellulitis that
comes along with usually when I have
broken skin on my my body I I tend to
get cellulite so to do the workout
videos to move my torso right now it
hurts so bad because it's like rubbing
so I haven't been working out I'm just
gonna be straightforward and honest but
I did have this for lunch today the
sodium is awful on it and which is so
weird because when I went to go and eat
it it's so bland like there's no flavor
to it I'm like okay I feel like I'm
eating baby food but I didn't I didn't
add anything to it I wanted but I didn't
because I just want to keep it at what
it was so for this I guess I didn't even
notice which I don't do huh excuse me I
don't do Weight Watchers but it says
smart points are for I have no idea what
that's supposed to mean but yeah and
this whole box is 170 calories carbs are
17 grams see in doing like keto for
instance I don't know how that where I
would like where would I love for the
ones that do keto I don't know if you
can see that where would i look to
manage where my Kido points are out what
is it like
do you have points on keto do you have a
number that you're keeping out with keto
that's what I'm not understood I don't
understand Kido darn it so anyways and
18 grams of protein oh and the sodium
Sebastian stop biting my feet 710 sodium
well for this holding and it was little
but that was my lunch so I was gonna
share with you what I have for lunch I
was so proud of myself too because I had
to go out and get gas and ah would you
stop it
Sebastian's down there kick fighting my
feet um and the kids were like we want a
hot dog we want a hot dog which is a
corn dog and I was like no no no no no
no no no no no no we're not gonna start
that as much as getting fast food
sounded so good I was like no I'm gonna
go home I'm gonna make me some lunch and
I'm gonna be a good girl that's what I
did I came home and made my spot one and
I was a good girl anyways and then I sat
down and I've been starting to slowly
work on my book that I had showed you
guys at one point
it's called present not perfect I know
I've talked about this book on here
before and we started to read it but
then I kind of just like kind of fell
off of it I don't know I don't really
wanna know why but I just didn't finish
it so anyways I wanted to read kind of
some of what I have started okay so on
the first page that we started it was
rest your mind calm your heart free your
soul surrender to the moment but
observing all that happens in and around
you write down all the sounds that you
can hear right now so you just stop and
you listen I heard kids plane my kids
plane Sebastian's toenails on the floor
cuz he was running and playing what
sense do you notice and if any I didn't
smell anything I'm kind of stuffy though
I think my allergies are acting up today
right down and bright colored pins
which I don't have so I didn't do that
part three things that bring you joy my
kids and my husband number two would be
therapy
number three is Sebastian write down
three things that have been bothering
you number one would be my self-care
number two is health and my weight and
number three is my self-image and why I
say self-care is because I I don't take
time to care for myself other than the
necessities of like showering making
sure my skin's you know taken care of
but you know to do like a facial mask in
the evening time or you know um just
self-care I don't take any self-care
time because I'm so busy with life and
with the kids and with the home that I
don't take any time just for myself to
take care of myself other than like I
said the necessities of things that you
have to that is a must but other than
that nothing else gets attention on my
body nothing my health and my weight is
because yeah I need to take my health in
my weight very serious you know okay
intermission sorry mom duty calls okay
so my health and weight would be the
next thing that I would say really is
bothering me a lot more lately than
anything
life is so so so short so short and
tomorrow is not promised to us just like
today was not promised to us yesterday
and every day that we open our eyes to
see another day is just one more
blessing for us to finish out another
day in our life but those days are not
promised and somebody asked me yesterday
did you hear about Andrea
I think it's her name and excuse me if
I'm not seeing her name right but I
believe it's Andrea and at first I was
like no no I don't know who that is I
had never heard of her before her name
is Andrea Mills
so when I got off my life I I had went
to somebody else's channel and they were
talking about it so it reminded me I was
like oh I need to go and look this lady
up because they don't know what's going
on
so I went on to her channel and she's
got lots of children um
don't quote me because I have not
watched her whole Channel but I want to
say she's got like six kids maybe seven
um I believe I believe she might have
been pregnant not a hundred percent on
that because I was just watching a
couple of the last videos um but she
ended up going to the doctors and they
found out that she had gallbladder and
liver cancer and it looked like to me
from what I seen is that it progressed
very quickly and she passed away
yesterday and left her children her
husband everything because she was sick
and it just really even though I don't
know her and I just heard of her
yesterday and I went to her channel my
heart broke in so many ways because one
I broke for her she is so young so
beautiful
look like she could live so many more
years she didn't look sick at all
beautiful children an amazing husband a
beautiful home I mean she homeschools
her children she's just one of those
mothers that you would see and want to
be and I just my heart broke because I
was like oh my god that could be anybody
anybody but it was her it was her time
to go cuz the following day wasn't
promised to her every day we open our
eyes is another gift for us and we
should be thankful and make sure that we
are doing everything we can for
ourselves to make sure that we can be
here for as many days as possible but
when you're not taking care of your
health and you're not caring about your
weight and
you're not taking care of your mental
health and everything else why am I
still alive but somebody that looks so
healthy did not have weight issues got
sick and passed away but here's someone
my size and I take my weight so my
health but I was blessed another day so
I need to take that serious and say you
know what I'm gonna take my life now and
be very very serious about it and that's
why today when I was driving and they
wanted to stop I was just like no we're
not gonna do this because mommy can't do
this right now
we're gonna go home we're gonna have a
nice lunch we're gonna enjoy ourselves
mommy's gonna start taking care of
herself because I want to live as Minnie
Daisy is made for me but if I continue
down the road of not caring about my
weight and not caring about my health my
days are going to be cut short because
I'm being careless and I don't want my
children to be raised without me because
of my carelessness that I could have
fixed I have control over what I have
she did not have control over what she
had she couldn't just do a you know an
eating differently diet and have a cure
but I do mine is curable I can care mine
but I'm just being selfish and not so
that really hit me yesterday when I was
watching that and listening to the story
and things I just thought no I can't
continue to be this selfish person that
I have been for my whole life but now
that you know I've got children that
depend on me I have to take care of
myself now now is the time to take care
of myself and be very serious about it
because tomorrow might not be promised
to me but at least if I'm doing
everything I can to make every day a
possibility then at least I'm doing
everything I
so that's that's why I put number two as
my health and my weight yes son you want
your white yes you can't write on this
book honey this is mommy's special book
there's a book you can use and then
number three I put self-image because I
think that it kind of goes hand in hand
with my health and my weight is I need
to work on my self-image I need to be
accepting of the person that I am though
I need to love my image even though I
want to change my image yes but I also
need to learn to love and accept myself
and know that I want to change what is
here but know that I need to love myself
as well that there's no room for hating
myself or being down on myself so that's
the other one that's bothered me is my
self-image I need to really work on that
then it says on the bottom it says erase
the items so it told me to write it in
pin which I didn't read that part until
ACK so it says erase the items on the
second list over which you do not have
total control of as you gently blow the
residue off of the page imagine that you
are releasing your worries say to
yourself come what may so I just took
and wrote through it drew a line through
it because of course I I didn't use a
pencil and you know it's kind of funny
because are it's ironic because my
birthday is on the 26th of this month
and so the next one says you were born
to be real not to be perfect that could
not go for a better starting of my week
for my birthday week
you were born to be real not to be
perfect how is that that is so like
perfect
close your eyes and try quiet to quiet
your mind for one full minute image the
static of your thoughts getting quieter
and quieter which thoughts if any did
you have trouble quieting just then so
when I stopped for that full minute and
just let everything be quiet the only
thing that I kept hearing was the same
thing that I always hear very loudly
when I'm trying to go to sleep at night
it's my to-do list
the everlasting to-do list that never
ends the list that goes on and on that
makes me feel like I will never ever
ever be an accomplishment of anything
because the list is never-ending and
every day of every minute of every hour
I'm adding to that to-do list of more
things that I need to accomplish that is
what I heard the whole time that I had
my eyes closed every night when I'm
closing my eyes to go to bed it's that
to-do list what I have to do tomorrow
what I didn't accomplish today what a
failure I was today cuz I didn't get
those things done that I should have did
today that I'm now I'm gonna have to put
over for tomorrow and now I'm gonna have
to accomplish what I needed to do today
and for tomorrow it's never ending and I
always always always am trying to push
so much onto my to-do list but in
reality I'm never ever ever ever going
to accomplish everything on my to-do
list because my to-do list is not
reality
and why I say it's not reality is
because you cannot wake up and do all
the things that I have placed before
myself in one day's given time this just
doesn't happen it doesn't happen because
my to-do list is never-ending I think
every mother's to-do list is
never-ending we all have in mothers and
fathers and grandparents and aunts and
uncles everybody even kids have to-do
lists that are never-ending because they
have things
they want to accomplish but it's a
strive that we're always trying to do
but I allow my my critical side to pop
out and say all the negative things to
myself that I shouldn't be saying
because I didn't accomplish that to-do
list so that's what I hear
next one think of your life as a
scrapbook of experiences what image
would you place in the scrapbook today
so as I sit here today and I think about
what my life would be as as an
experience to a scrapbook me standing in
a dark room with just a spotlight on me
the room is dark you can't see anything
other than me standing in a dark circle
room with one spotlight on top of me I
have the world looking at me I have the
world seeing my flaws I have the world
seeing my achievements I have my kids
seeing my flaws I have my kids seeing my
achievements my husband seeing my flaws
my husband see my achievements
everybody's seen me for the good the bad
the beauty and the ugly really the next
question is what does the image say
about your day and how you feel about it
I would say that the image is a
representation of me being alone I feel
like you know I wish that there were
people that I can see within that
spotlight rather than just feeling like
everybody is seeing me but I'm not being
able to see anybody you know it makes me
feel sad because you know I honest to
god I I look around and you know as much
as I wish that I had a big circle of
people in life in real life in physical
life I've realized that over the years
my anxiety my depression my total mental
health has pushed everybody away because
I wasn't taking care of me
and now no I don't put it back please
know those ones are gel no no I don't
put those ones on you because I have to
use a special light for your nails and I
don't like that oh I can do the other
nail polish but not right now yes later
later yes but later I'm let me finish
this first
so anyways I've realized that that has
allowed me to push so many people away
that now when I stand around I see
myself standing in an empty dark room
but nobody around me to grab a hand and
to know that I am circled with others
and I'm just not alone so that would be
how I feel and what does the image say
about you and again it goes into that I
feel alone I feel like you know there
are days where you know I don't get to
have that interaction as I think would
be very fun or that I see others have on
YouTube and different things that I'm
like god I wish I had a girlfriend to go
and have coffee with or a girlfriend to
go shopping with but then it's you know
when you think about it would I be
capable of doing that right now mentally
because of where I have put myself at
this point
with trying to take care of myself so
okay mommy duties again but so the next
thing says be kind to yourself circle
your favorite items from the list of
beautifully imperfect things a wrinkled
note from an old friend an awkward first
kiss seaglass a child's drawing a worn
but well-loved book an UNPO sport rrett
so i chose to circle a child's drawing
is a beautifully imperfect thing and an
unposted portrait
is a beautiful and perfect thing I love
those things I love to see a family
picture just the way the family's
personalities are add more beautifully
imperfect items of your own here my home
is beautifully imperfect my home will
never be 100% perfect because
everybody's opinions of somebody else's
home is always going to be different
someone's gonna think one person's home
is a disgusting disaster to somebody
else it's gonna look like a mansion of
beautiful clean spotless home so my home
is my beautifully imperfect thing my
body is beautifully imperfect my body is
beautiful because it's mine it's
imperfect because I have a lot of
imperfect things about it that I strive
to want to fix my looks are beautifully
imperfect my looks are beautiful but
they're imperfect to me I visioned
myself as something totally different
when I think about myself I put myself
up to a woman that wears you know
beautiful even doubt makeup beautiful
lipstick you know her glasses totally
fit her face her teeth are completely
straight and shiny as white crystals can
be that's what I picture myself to want
to be is that reality no because that's
not who I am
but is that what I want to strive to be
I do and I know that that's will always
be one of my struggles is trying to be
something I'm not because I haven't
accepted that my my looks are beautiful
and they are imperfect but they're
beautiful and they should be beautiful
to me and and that's it so anyways
enough babbling right I don't think I
finished anything else yeah okay so that
was the last thing that I did
that was today's finishings so I will go
into doing more but I I love doing that
I love being able to join with you guys
and I will put a link if I can find it I
got it off of Amazon this is the book
again if just in case if you would like
to order it
it was $14.99 u.s. Canada's 2099 it's
and like I said I got it off of Amazon
oh if I can find the link I will drop
that in the description so you guys can
go and if it's something you guys want
to do for yourselves I suggest it I
think it's a great book and that's it
I'm going to now edit this video and get
this video up and then I'm gonna start
scrubbing my house because like I said
today is our Friday so on our Friday I
do my scrubbing which is today I already
have a load of laundry in so I'm caught
up on my laundry but now it's getting
the rest of the house cleaned so anyways
I hope you guys enjoyed today's vlog of
me just babbling I hope that you guys
are having a wonderful wonderful Tuesday
and I will check in with you guys again
real soon until then you guys have a
wonderful day bye bye
